Вера и верность!
Pale and slender girls passing through the bridge. Chasm awaits them, thirsts for their flesh, bleeds with sticky fog. Girls proceed into the Palace – the biggest palace from all, the whole mountain was eviscerated to reveal it, and the whole river was drain to satisfy it’s womb.
Guards in lilac shells watching over the gate, and girls passing by their solid faces and black eyes, passing in silence. But sometimes guards gaping, and clusters of thin tubules appear, piercing pale skin – and turn red. Those, who sated, let their preys go.
Deep inside, under nine vaults, the seed of god matures, who was brought by Masters folk, who crushed the last possessor of this land. Now even he become miserable and disappeared, and Masters exhaust, exhaust, exhaust all the sap from their lands, to give his unborn child drink up, in order to rise it, to save them from fear, which floating through horizon with the fierce blue radiance.
Guards in lilac shells watching over the gate, and girls passing by their solid faces and black eyes, passing in silence. But sometimes guards gaping, and clusters of thin tubules appear, piercing pale skin – and turn red. Those, who sated, let their preys go.
Deep inside, under nine vaults, the seed of god matures, who was brought by Masters folk, who crushed the last possessor of this land. Now even he become miserable and disappeared, and Masters exhaust, exhaust, exhaust all the sap from their lands, to give his unborn child drink up, in order to rise it, to save them from fear, which floating through horizon with the fierce blue radiance.
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22.11.2016 в 20:06from allof them all - the whole mountainwaseviscerated to reveal (не то слово) it, and the whole river was drained to satisfy it’s womb.Guards in lilac shells watch
inged over the gate, and girls passing by, their faces solid and eyes black, passing (повторяющееся слово, не нужно) in silence (предложение несогласовано). But sometimes guards gaping (не то слово, ваще неясно что имелось ввиду), and clusters of thin tubules appear, piercing pale skin – and turning red. Those, who sated , let their preys go (Глокая куздра штеко будланула бокра).Deep inside, under nine vaults (под сейфами? не в сейфах?), the seed of a god matures, who was brought by Masters folk (слова несут противоположный смысл, это что-то типа крестьяне-повелители), who crushed the last possessor (не то слово) of this land. Now even he (кто?) became miserable and disappeared, and Masters exhaust, exhaust, exhaust (не то слово) all the sap from their lands, to give his unborn child to drink it up, in order to rise
it, to save them from fear, which floating through horizon with the fierce blue radiance (шо?).Прошу прощения не удержался. Задумка хороша, но техника страдает.
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22.11.2016 в 20:17-
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22.11.2016 в 20:23and girls passing by their solid faces and black eyes - тут имелось в виду, что девочки идут мимо твёрдых лиц и чёрных глаз стражи.
А Folk в одном из значений - народ, с пометкой устаревшее. Нация и раса мне не очень подходили, так что взял, что нашёл. Как это слово воспримет современный англичанин, я не знаю (это же касается и всех остальных слов, увы).
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22.11.2016 в 20:29Надо определится - это стражи смотрели на проходящих девочек или девочки проходили мимо смотрящих стражников и соответственно переписать.
Иначе получается каша.
А Folk это такое... пасторальное и слегка пренебрежительное слово, его часто переводят в фэнтези как "народец". Оно диссонирует с подчеркнуто величественным masters.
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22.11.2016 в 20:30